[-] Fume Cupboard FacilityLOADED: APPLE JUICE


Apple Juice


In the ongoing search for a cure to the notorious condition of malumania, the famous Doctor Helkaraxe is playing an impressive role. It is his theory that in the manner of homoeopathic medicines, where a tiny application of the active agent is used to remedy a condition caused by concentration of the same, a minimal exposure to the reality of the Apple Macintosh may be enough to cure the rose-tinted artistic delusions of the pony-tailed patient.

However, experiments on lab Rodents have proved that even a millisecond's exposure to MacOS resulted in immediate death. Therefore, even switching the screen on and off extremely quickly is not a small enough dose for homoeopathic safety, although it is a good way of getting rid of the Macintosh if repeated.

Therefore, Doctor Helkaraxe is researching a way of absorbing malumide (the active ingredient in Apple Macintosh home microcomputers) into the body in micro-doses. Project Apple Juice involves an iMac and a large industrial blender, and it is hoped that a drinkable Mac can be obtained with sufficiently powerful blending.

A red-cased iMac was picked for this experiment in the hope that it would be similar in final consistency and appearance to a raspberry and banana Smoothie; a drink that the patient in question has survived before.


  • One (1) Red-cased iMac home microcomputer
  • One (1) Extra-long extension cord
  • One (1) WhirliCool industrial fan (supplied by Ivo Furnishings Ltd.)
  • One (1) WhirliMax industrial blender (supplied by Ivo Catering Ltd.)
  • One (1) Replacement blender
  • Three (3) Spare machine operators
  • One (1) Replacement laboratory
  • One (1) Fume Cupboard (unused decoration)
  • One (1) Crystal wine glass
  • One (1) Stainless steel funnel
  • One (1) Rodent (grey)


The WhirliMax was plugged into its required three-phase kitchen outlet, and tested for safety. After its operator had been satisfactorily injured, the equipment was deemed properly unsafe. Ivo Catering has an excellent track record in this area. At this point the blender failed catastrophically and had to be replaced, thus bolstering the company's reputation still further.

Once the new blender was in operation, the iMac was plugged in using an extra long extension cord and booted. Heavy safety gloves and welding masks were obviously worn during this dangerous stage of the operation.

Once MacOS was successfully booted, another machine operator was used up in order to transport the device to the blender. Once the iMac was properly positioned, the operator remains were blown away with a fan to avoid contamination. As expected, the fan killed a third operator, and a letter of appreciation was sent to the chairman of Ivo Furnishings Ltd. We really recommend this supplier.

The iMac was rapidly dumped into the blender. Several wonderful noises later, it was observed that the Mac had been finely powdered by the force of the WhirliMax, which again failed catastrophically, although due to budget restraints we could not injure any more operators in the process.

When the powder had been isolated, Doctor Helkaraxe experimented with various solvents. Returning to the experiment, he tested the solvents' applicability to producing a smooth drink, in combination with the powder. Luckily for the subject, it was decided that water produced the best results.

The patient was then invited to test these hopeful results. Once the funnel had been inserted, and all chair locks were fully engaged, treatment was a simple matter.


This experiment had several important results, apart from the destruction of machinery. It was discovered that an iMac could be reduced to an excellent powder, by a process involving excellent noises. Upon analysis, this powder was found to consist of 30% apple-red plastic, 25% vacuum tube glass, 10% aluminium, and 10% miscellaneous circuit and component chemicals. The remaining 25% of mass is as yet unaccounted for, although mystic devil-chanting emanating from the test tube suggests various explanatory theories; Doctor Helkaraxe's own opinion being that an Internet Explorer CD may have been left in the drive.

Secondly, it was discovered that water dissolved the Mac powder into a drink highly reminiscent of a smoothie. This was described by onlookers as "Coool!!!", particularly when the unexplainable bubbling, small methane fires, and ball lightning appeared.

Finally, it was discovered that it is, indeed, possible to bite through a stainless steel funnel, although the large holes burned in the metal by the Mac juice may have compromised its structural integrity.


During the two post-experiment weeks while Baneus was in a coma, Doctor Helkaraxe was able to collect a great deal of experimental data. Rumours that some of this data is available at www.xxxhardcore.ru have been officially denied. Onlookers, in particular Amy Rose, are said to have described it as "Coool!!!" and in her case signed up for treatment.

In any case, the patient's malumania has unfortunately not gone into regression, which is thought by experimenters to be a sign that the Mac dose is still too concentrated to have a homoeopathic effect. More experiments are scheduled on volunteers (and the patient, who doesn't get a choice) using doses diluted with a variety of things, inserted into the body in a variety of ways.

Doctor Helkaraxe is said to be looking forward to including several different flavours of Mac in his research, as well as devices with an ever-growing RPI.


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